Creating is Rough

Point blank: Creating is hard when you’re in a spell. From depression, anxiety, self-hatred, a combination of them all. Being a creative noodle is a challenge when fixated on the hell in your mind. Granted- many works of art, music, literature, and film are drafted and birthed during said episodes- so maybe I’m just speaking on my behave.


….


“You gotta do it for you, Bunny. Write. Film. Edit. Shoot. Stream. Draw. Do it for you.”- My very loving boyfriend


Pft. Easy for him to say.


Doing things for yourself, especially the creative process, is hard. I can barely get myself halfway presentable most days anymore. And writing this? HA! I’m trying so hard not to scrap it all- just to take a long, long nap. I will be absolutely astonished if I even publish this.


I’ve been in a rut lately. That’s quite an understatement. I am living in a rut. My person is a permitted resident at this time-share of a dusty, dirty, and kind of smelly hole in the ground. I overstayed my welcome, but the rat tenant doesn’t seem to mind. *sigh*


When I'm not on the internet, posing and smiling for attending when I have the spare time, I work a steady 9-5 job as a social media manager. So virtual, it’s the same thing I did for myself but for a company and paycheck. I blame said 9-5 (and the cocktail of internal issues) on my burnout. I spend all my creative energy at work (and something I’m honestly not even that passionate about). I can’t even muster enough stamina to cultivate my passion projects.


At this point, I'm just whining, but I still think it’s a valid thing to express.


I’m not a smart person. At least in the eyes of academia. And smart people get jobs cause they have desirable brain cells to produce product, profit, and purpose. Smart people also need to eat and have health care. I’m not a smart person, but I am a creative person; Who can conjure, construct, and create items for smart people. Just like smart people, creative people are people. Who needs to eat and (definitely) needs health care.


I use my creative noggin to hold a job because I need it to produce a decent quality of life. Thus my burnout rut.


“You need to do it for you…”


Yeah, yeah, yeah…. I know. I hear you, I do. We wouldn’t be in the same virtual space if I didn’t. And maybe one day, I can get back to doing blissfully creative things for my inner peace. But for now, I will lay in my rut, look up at the midnight sky with the rats, watch shooting stars, and wish to witness the moment I get tired of being tired in this dusty ass rut.


TLDR: I work a “creative” desk job that slowly drains me of creative juice left for meeeee.


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