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i bought flowers (for myself)

To start, this is really just a reflections edit on my recent video (you can view it here <3). Just furthering adding to points that I failed to while filming. Though redundant, it's still an important topic of conversation.

So the other week, I was out-and-about with my dad. We weren't really on a mission for anything special we just wanted out of the house for a moment. We decided to venture to our local Wegmans (sponsor me <3)

Now, idk if you have ever been to a Wegmans (plz sponsor me, my dog needs a new purse), but they have the most elegant layout of produce and packaged food items for the typical person this side of the east coast. Can it be pricey? Yes. But is it worth it/Make you feel like a real splendorous individual? Yes.

I digress.

We passed through the floral section, and I had the sudden urge to "treat myself."

"I want flowers," I said aloud to really know one, but my dad assumed it was really for him to be informed of.

"Why do you want flowers?" He asked

I was already in motion to pick out an assortment of pale blue and white hydrangeas when the response dawned on me.

"Because they're pretty, and I want them. I don't need any other reason."

Dad didn't retort back. Instead, he helped me make a bouquet for myself and then picked up a doze orange roses for mom.

(Now, before continuing, I gotta note something; I'm going to reference a past romantic relationship quite a bit. It will be an ongoing theme throughout the little stories I tell till I run dry on stories about it. Though I don't really need to explain myself to you (?) I feel the need to for context's sake. I feel like everyone has that one moment in their life that just changed the momentum of their lives- this is that moment for me.)

This wasn't the first time I had bought flowers for myself. I'd actually done this serval times over the past year or so.

When I first bought myself flowers, I found it very taboo. The moment I stepped to the store display I knew, in my head, that these flowers were for no one outside of myself. They were for me. And it was oddly terrifying? Even though no one else knew or even needed to know why I had my hands full of vegetation, I felt so alien about it.

I remember why I bought myself flowers to start with. It was just moments after I decided I no longer wanted to be romantically involved with a person that viewed my whims as something to tear down, as a means to fill their already rotting ego.

(That's just a lamely colorful way of saying "I was being abused in my romantic relationship" because saying "I was being abused in my romantic relationship" is still a very dauntingly heavy thing to say even after two years out)

I officially cut ties by dumping all their belongings on their door stope at 12:36 am on a Wednesday in August. The following day, I bought myself flowers to fill in the spaces once cluttered with their senseless items. And every week I bought new flowers. I watched their blooming pedals add bright new vibrance into my room.

Buying myself, flowers became a weekly routine. It was a friendly reminder that I didn't need anyone to provide them. I didn't need a "special" reason to buy flowers. I was special reason enough. I was reteaching myself to provide love and care for myself, thus relearning how to receive that natural, positive treatment.

Recently, I stopped buying myself flowers. I give many excuses as to why but honestly? It's cause I don't need to. Don't get me wrong; I need the reminder now and again but, I didn't need the weekly trips to Wegmans anymore. I didn't need the constant reminder to take care and value in myself. I had installed enough self-confidence to get by in my everyday life.

It's a hard lesson. Ever-evolving and blooming. Though most nights were long and filled with tears, and the days were miserably spent just "hanging on," at least I went home to a room that smelled like flowers.

TLDR: Buy yourself some flowers. You don't need a special reason because you already have one. It's you.

Written 2/8/22 while waiting for my chiro appointment

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