“The best part about a breakup/heartbreak is the chance to fall in love with yourself all over again.”- Me.
Writing and talking about love seems to be my niche, so let me stick to that for a second.
I’ll be real- I didn’t think I’d be in this potion again. I thought I'd be halfway down the aisle, (begrudgingly) moving my whole life a few states south to start a new one, but here we are. Surprisingly, I am taking this breakup quite well, honestly. I’ve cried a total of 3 times since then- that’s a personal record. The last time I went through heartbreak, I spent five months completely crushed, crying every night. I’m talking sobbing, screaming, midnight car rides, new haircuts, color, and “trips to New Jersey for a crumb of dick” heartbreak. It was B A D. Like ya girl was going through it.
All that to say, I’m mastering this whole breakup thing. Because if I can handle separating from what I truly thought to be my forever love, then I can suck the balls of any dude I see fit (with consent, ofc) with little to no regret. I know that’s a classic trope in breakup culture- rebound super hard and have a mini “sex in the city” sexcapade, but I’m not focused on that. I’ve had offers (believe me… I’ve had offers I never expected to have), and as tempting as it sounds, I trusted my gut to say, “Thank you, but I’m not interested.”
As sappy and cheesy as it may come across, I give away my affection and love very easily. I find it so much easier to toss my energy into someone else rather than myself. Maybe you can relate?
Do you ever feel like you can't just give yourself love for whatever reason? Maybe because you never learned how? Or because, deep down, you really don't like parts of yourself? Or maybe you think giving yourself love is a selfish act? For my sake, I hope you relate (because “same”), but for your sake, I hope you don’t.
I’ve struggled a lot to give myself time to heal and allow the time to let my love come organically and not from an external body. Is it trauma? Low self-esteem? My need to please people, specifically men? Idk- you’re not my therapist. *sigh* anyways…
Loving other people is easy. A friend, a family member, an ex… it’s easy because no matter how close you are to them, you don’t have to sleep in their body. You don’t have to live in all the labyrinths in their mind- like your own. They serve as a distraction from the matters in your self. And that’s not always a bad thing,
But it is when you’re the one on fire, and they’re just… well… here. They might have a bucket of water, a hose, a whole fucking fire truck, but that means shit when you keep fueling the flame.
Loving yourself is a challenge. You see all the faults and flaws daily, forced to sleep and lie with them. I believe in us to figuring it out. I’ll write about it later. Take this year-old video. I need a nap.
Here's to a new chapter/series/thing to bitch about: Learning to love yourself.
written 4/3/22 waiting for my coworkers to order me food >:(