Updated: May 4
“You’re first three heartbreaks will be your hardest. But after that, it gets easier.” - My Father.
God. Those words have never weighed heavier on my heart than they do right now. I was recently dumped. Sunday, April 24th, around 2 pm to be exact, I feel it needless to say.
I’ve had plenty of breakups before. High school sweethearts, college mistakes, post-college/adult relationships- but not all of them ended in heartbreak—just mutual awkwardness. I’ve had at least two heartbreaks in my 23 years of living. So if this is number 3? Then god, what an honor for him to be the last one. But also- fuck him for putting me here in the first place. (No hate- all jeering fun).
The moment we broke up, my first instinct was to call my studio friend- who also happens to be my Sabonim’s* son (if you’re reading this, which I doubt cause you to hate to read, hey Mikey <3 lol). Through teary eyes, a raspy voice, and a stuffy nose, I told him, “Uh… he just broke up with me?” knowing that he would lend a comforting ear. After hearing me cry and whine, he gave me a moving “I understand” and helped coast me out of bed. He understood I just wanted to be heard and encouraged me to push through the smog of my runny face. Soon after, I hung up the phone to wipe my face and collect myself.
But bad gas travels fast in a small town. (if you get that reference, we’re friends now).
Because moments after I got done talking to my bud- his father calls me—my Sabonim.
“FUCK THAT GUY!” Is how my Sabonim greeted me over the phone. It made me laugh a little bit. Exactly what I needed. “Listen. I don’t have daughters, but I know a bad dude when I see one. And he was not the guy for you. You’re a good kid. Something much better is out there for you. It sucks, I know- but you’re a good kid. If he can’t see that, then FUCK HIM.”
I’m paraphrasing. To be completely honest, he was a lot harsher than that. But you get the point.
Listen. Regardless of the reason for you ending a relationship- shit sucks. It ends so abruptly. You’re racking your brain repeatedly, thinking, “What went wrong?” “What could I have done differently?” “Maybe if I didn’t do this?” bla bla bla… But the bad news is that regardless of how the cookie was going to crumb, the cookie still crumbled- nothing would have prevented that. But that doesn’t make you unloveable, unkind, or invalid. You succeeded as long as you tried your best and stayed true to yourself.
It’s so hard to see the future where they are not present. It’s so fucking hard. But all that means is that there is more room for people to barge in and say, “HEY! I’m exactly what you’ve been looking for!” I’m very excited to see what comes next and fall in love with the newest version of myself.
Space Cowboy, I love you so much. I wish you well in your travels. Thank you for breaking my heart, because it was worth one hell of a ride :)
Written 4.25.22 with teary eyes and clear skin <3
*Sabonim means master or instructor in Korean. A term largely used in Tang Soo Do or Tae Kwon Do.